The Fat Lady Chronicles

Bon Appetit!

Many apologies, my fellow fatties.  In the last two weeks, my little family of four has suffered from an ear infection, and eye infection requiring two antibiotics, a failed root canal with accompanying abcess, and general malaise in the form of coughing, sneezing, runny nose, coughing, aching, fever, coughing, and coughing.

Needless to say, I have not been in the posting mindset, and while I type this, I have laundry, dishes, and vacuuming calling me to come and play.

And so, I have for you to enjoy today a few quotes about food.  Grab a bowl of ice cream, come back and read them, and have a few laughs.

“I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” - Anonymous

“It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE." Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."" - Erma Bombeck

“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.” Mitch Hedberg

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks." -  Totie Fields

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D"." - Mitch Hedberg

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch." - Orson Welles

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'” - Mitch Hedberg

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” - Rodney Dangerfield

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook." - Julia Child

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.” - Woody Allen

“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” - Mark Twain

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.” - Yogi Berra

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.” - Lynda Montgomery

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” - George Bernard Shaw

"Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” - W.C. Fields

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.” - Mark Twain

"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat." - Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life"

"When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat." - Mark Twain

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles

"When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat. I also eat when we're rained out." - Tommy Lasorda

"There are five elements: earth, air, fire, water and garlic." - Louis Diat

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." - Garrison Keillor

"There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who love chocolate, and communists." - Leslie Moak Murray in "Murray's Law"

"As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate." - Sandra Boynton "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

"Cheese--milk's leap toward immortality." - Clifton Fadiman

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." - Calvin Trillin

"When men reach their sixties and retire they go to pieces. Women just go right on cooking." - Gail Sheehy

"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans." - Ronald Reagan

"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat." - Jim Davis (Garfield)

And my personal favorite:

“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.” - Erma Bombeck

Many happy returns to the buffet,

Gina   

Recently, the little red LED light on our Satellite TV box that shines for all its worth when TiVo is recording one of our favorite shows suddenly stopped working.  It had glowed brightly only a few hours prior to 8 PM, when the next show was scheduled to be recorded.  We felt like a lost ship in the storm with no light to guide us into shore.  Yes, our shows were still being recorded, but it just wasn't the same as seeing little Red up there reminding us that in just a short time we could watch our show in all its COMMERCIAL FREE goodness.

I have a theory that at any given time, if there is one household item not working, when it is fixed (or rights itself somehow) something else must assume the role of the item not working.  (I am not including things around the house that consistently do not work up to their potential--like our toaster, which is another story.)

So imagine my surprise this afternoon, after switching a load of sheets and towels from the washer into the dryer, when I turn around to see little Red glowing gaily once again, indicating that FreeStyle on HGTV is being recorded.

I breathe a sigh of contentment.  Everybody's happy, everybody's healthy, and for this moment, life is GOOD.

So I sit down and enjoy FreeStyle, and the show that comes on after it, Design Remix.  At this point, I've sat through an hour of television with Red as my companion, and I remember the sheets and towels that should now be dry, after 60 minutes in the dryer.  I open the dryer, interrupting its last 2 minutes of cool-down, and reach for the sheets, which are as wet as they were when I put them in an hour ago.

Damn.

Gina

It's A Miracle!

I recently checked out a book from the library called The pH Miracle.  It seemed different than all the other diet books I had heard about.  The theory is plausible, if you are not well-versed in microbiology (which I am not).  I read about how my body is being eaten alive by fungi, yeast, and mold, which can mutate and are the root cause of most, if not all, health problems we as humans face.  I read about the importance of eating vegetables rich in alkaline and having a low-stress lifestyle.  (This book was obviously not written for women.)  "Dr." Young (he's one of those PhD-types) lays it on the line.  He basically tells me, "If you don't start eating more alkalizing foods, and cut WAY back on the acid-producing foods, your body is going to self-destruct.  And there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it once you're dead."

This intrigues me, since I am not ready to die, and I continue reading.  Along the way are lots of testimonials, disguised as "stories"--women who couldn't conceive, folks with brain tumors, children with mental illness, workaholics with insomnia, athletes suffering from asthma, you name it--all of these people were cured of their ailments by following this eating plan.

Hmm...sounds...amazing.

So I delve further into the book and get to the chapter titled "E is for Eating".  "Dr." Young explains how to eat to balance your body, and we read about the woman who couldn't conceive after 10 years of fertility treatments, and how, after just a few months on the pH diet, she finds out she's pregnant!  She talks about her beautiful "green" baby, who is happy eating homemade baby food made with almond milk, grains, and a few alkalizing veggies.  Apparently, said baby also enjoys pureed salads with lemon juice and olive oil dressing! 

This wonderfully happy account brings up a memory of working in a preschool program for autistic children.  One of our little students was on a similar food plan: no meat or dairy, and lots of leafy green vegetables.  She lost 30% of her total body weight over a 2-month period, and we called Child Protective Services.

At this point, I turn to my husband in bed, and notice that he is reading "The Complete Short Stories of Mark Twain".  I say, "I don't want to drink almond milk."

"Then don't," he says.

So I closed the book, and plopped it unceremoniously on the night table.  I promised myself I would return it to the library as quickly as possible to avoid any of that "green" thinking leaving the pages and getting sent out into the unbalanced pH environment of my home.

As I was falling asleep, my mind began to think of all the reasons why this diet is a load of hogwash, nay, a load of, as Mama would say, crapola.  While I do think there is something to the idea of keeping our bodies in balance, I don't think it requires me to make an all-out assault on meat, dairy and fruit in order to achieve the magic number 7.365--the perfect blood pH level according to "Dr." Young.

A diet like this might make my insides beautiful from a scientific standpoint, and on the outside, I would look fabulous, I'm sure.  But emotionally, I would be miserable.  I can't imagine life without watermelon in the summer, butternut squash in the winter, and the occasional slice of carrot cake.  How would that be low-stress?   I don't subscribe to the "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" mentality.  I DO think there are habits and lifestyles that are detrimental to our physical, spiritual, and mental well-being.  And I think the pH Miracle is one of them, for me.

If that isn't reason enough to give this diet a wide berth, take a look at all the dinero The Good "Doctor" and his wife are raking in with products such as "Alkalizing Shampoo" (which is practically edible) and "Alkalizing Liquid Salt pHlavor".  I think my favorite, by far, is the "re-pHresh Alkalizing Skin Spray".  (Also practically edible, which leads me to wonder if one couldn't purchase this spray, and use it to pHlavor one's food and save 20 bucks.)

Having a hard time getting your kids to drink their okra shake?  Just order the Youngs' series of "Doc Broc" books!  Read the synopsis of the latest Doc Broc and AvoRado adventure:

You now have the chance to teach your children the value of eating healthy alkalizing foods with the help of Doc Broc and his trusty sidekick, the AvoRado Kid. Read all about how Doc and AvoRado enter the Stone Hinge Cave, meet up with the Meaty Meanies, and rescue Luscious Lettuce. Produced in full-color and hard back cover, complete with a CD that contains music, sound effects and character narration. Recipes for kids also offered. Both you and your child will love this adventurous tale as Doc and Lucious (sic) seek to find the River of Life.

Wow...I'm sure that will keep any kid occupied for all of 2 minutes.  Kids don't want to eat vegetables for breakfast, and they don't want to read about them either.  I can't believe I was almost roped in by this nonsense.

It's a good thing you faithful readers have me and my discerning eye to keep you on the path to high-calorie, good-tasting food possibilities.

Rotting on the inside and couldn't care less,
Gina