The Fat Lady Chronicles

I'm Just Wild About Harry

Hi Fatties!

Mama here, bringing you news from across the beautiful briny sea, all the way to jolly old England via Afghanistan.

Well, I guess you heard that Prince Harry (the 3rd potential successor to Mum's throne) has been sent home from combat duty in Afghanistan because Matt (I just couldn't keep my pants on...I just had to spill this...) Drudge (aka The Drudge Report) opened his big mouth on his blog and told the "blogosphere" and any erratic and insane Muslim terrorist that PH is in the "hellhole" capital of the world.

Now, while I realize that Drudge isn't the only mouth and pen-in-hand, apparently everyone else had been asked to shut-up so that this wouldn't put PH and his unit in danger.

Prince Harry has been quoted as saying that being in Afghanistan with his unit has been the most normal life he's ever had...Mama thinks being in that crazy family of his would prevent anyone from having a normal life. 

Anyway, the one point I'd like to bring up is this: The only reason Harry is in the princely hot seat is because his ancient ancestor was a fierce warrior, who, like Genghis Khan, raped, pillaged and murdered his way to the top.  That's how all royal families BECAME royal...they were not above heinous acts of violence.  So why does Harry have to give up what he loves to do:  Be a 2nd lieutenant and command his troops in a combat zone?  If it was good enough for his ancestors, surely it is good enough for him.

Heck, they "sailed" his older brother, Prince William (the "heir") through a several week course with the Royal Navy, the Royal Army, the Royal Air Force...Does England have a Royal Marine Corps?
I think they should make him an honorary member of the Royal Jello Brigade.

I say, "leave the young lad alone".  OK, so move him to Iraq.  Send him to some other desert s***hole in the Middle East or Central Asia.  There are plenty of areas for him to serve; and Mama ain't talkin' 'bout on the tennis court or the polo arena, either.  He wants to be his own man.  It's a bloody shame he is shackled to a life of scrutinized luxury with very little personal identity or desire to be considered.  No wonder his family is nuts!

See you Sunday, Fat Cats!!
Mama

Gross!

Mama and I have been trading off who does the posts for each day.  Today is my turn, and I have been trying to come up with something to write. 

I could write about my almost 18-month-old who pushed the garbage can over yesterday onto the kitchen floor I was sweeping, causing all sorts of semi-solid food bits, a diaper or two, and some wadded up paper towels containing crumbs of undetermined origin to scatter across the floor.  That was gross. 

Or, I could show you a picture of my 4-year-old with a pencil hanging from her nose (her grandmother--aka "Mama"--does the same thing).  But I think I won't.  That was gross too.

I'm sensing a theme here...  So in the spirit of all things gross, I have found a few pretty strange stories in the news and I would love to share them.  Put down whatever pastry or omelet or leftover pizza slice you are eating.  You may or may not want to finish it later.

Gross Story #1: Pregnant woman uses train toilet, baby slips out

First of all, the baby is fine--but she is 2 months premature.

A newborn baby girl survived an ignoble birth after slipping down the toilet bowl of a moving Indian train onto the tracks when a pregnant woman unexpectedly gave birth while relieving herself on Tuesday.

"They stopped the train and ran on the tracks to find the baby," [the mother] said, speaking from her hospital bed in the western city of Ahmedabad.

Gross Story #2: City repairing sewage pipes to avert spill 

The last sentence says it all:

Only 12 percent of Mexico City's sewage is treated, a common practice in the developed world. The rest is sent north of the city to fertilize farm fields.

Gross Story #3: Stop thief, why are you wearing that hanger?

Okay, so this one isn't gross, but it struck me funny. 

An elderly German who hid a stolen suit under his clothes was caught because he forgot to take it off the hanger, police said Wednesday.

"Only a sign saying 'stop me, I'm a thief!' would have made the thief look more unprofessional," police said in a statement.

In closing, I found a couple of gross quotes, straight from Stephen King of Gross:

      "If I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. I'm not proud."

And probably my favorite of the two:

"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk."

Hope your day is gross!

Gina

Humpty Dumpty was a Hottie!!

Hey Ho Behemoths!!

Mamma here crankin' up the poetry cells cuz there ain't nuthin' good to report politically.  Yeah, kids, I know all about Big Louie Farrakan's support of Obama; did you all think otherwise?  Black's where it's at in this election and if some John Bircher (do they even have those guys anymore?) or some white supremacist (they're dwindling too, thank goodness!) were to throw in his white robe in support of John McCain we'd have the media gods condemning him.

Mamma's Law of American Cultural Politics:  African-Americans and every other minority in this country can associate, rub elbows with, buddy up, and hobnob with anyone they damn well please.
Mamma's Corollary:  White folks don't have the same privilege PERIOD.

Now, what does this have to do with my man, Humpty Dumpty?  Not a darn thing.  But I've been feeling poetic lately so here's Mama's response to Mother Goose...

    Humpty Dumpty, please lay on my plate
    Pass the salt and I'll seal your fate!
    All the crisp taters and fried bacon, woo hoo!
    Will make a nice omelette; I think I'll have two!

    Oh where, oh where has my kosher dog gone?
    Or where, oh where can it be?
    I slathered some mustard and catsup on him,
    Oops!  I ate it and now he's in me!

    Peter, Peter pumpkin-eater
    Let me get my old egg-beater.
    I'll mix it up with milk and spice
    And make a pie that's oh so nice!

That's it for now...Mama's gonna take a break.  Feel free to add your own in and I'll post them here.  I may even continue the thread on Friday...
XXX    OOO

Armchair Traveler: Destination Hawai'i

I have never wanted to visit Hawaii.  I'm not a tropical getaway kind of gal.  I will never look good in a swimsuit, and frankly, I don't care enough to try to look good in one.  I also don't like to eat fish.  I don't want a tan, and I'd like to stay as far away from an active volcano as humanly possible.

I would like to learn to hula.  (Grass skirt-YAY.  Coconut bra-NAY.  A t-shirt will be fine.)

And so I've found the perfect solution!  I saw this at another blog I visit, and thought it was very funny.  Imagine being able to hula your way through the day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH_Xs-lIrtk&feature=related

I especially love the cutesy jingle.  (cue ukelele) Take the work out of your work-out...the Hawaii Chair!

Sexy abs, here I come!

Gina

Quote of the Day: "I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." E.B. White

My Favorite Things

Hi there!

Mama's greasin' her thighs and slidin' into home with this little parody ditty based on the Grammy-winning song, "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music.  Feel free to sing along even if you have a lousy voice; it's a blog after all and as my Marine Drill Sargent Mother used to tell me, " I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUUUU".

<Insert Orchestral accompaniment here----->

MY FAVORITE THINGS

Doughnuts and Danish and all greasy fried things,
'Taters and bacon and Buffalo hot wings
Please pass the salt and the butter to me
Hand me a napkin for my eating spree!

Pasta and cheeses and meatballs aplenty,
Ice cream and rootbeer and chocolate that's minty
Brownies and pie and a plate full of fudge
I'm stuck in my chair and unable to budge!

Tacos and Fritos, tamales, tostadas
Chinese fried rice and a few fried crab wontons
Cheesecake and pudding and apple-filled tarts
Too many choices so where do I start?

Kosher Hotdogs! Christmas Yule logs!
I just can't pass up the treats!
I wake every morning and plan my whole day
Around what I see--- to EAT!!!

I love every extra inch of every one of you!!
MAMA

DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?

Here are a couple of fabulous muffin recipes straight from Drury Lane (actually, a great little muffin cookbook I received from my husband's parents for Christmas).  I am a big fan of the muffin.  It can be breakfast, dessert, a snack, or all of the above.  The following recipes are sweet muffins, but there are a lot of savory muffin recipes out there.  Give these two a try and then find your own favorites.

Lemon Yogurt Muffins

• 2 cups flour
• 2-1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. each baking soda and salt
• 1 Tbsp. grated lemon peel
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup oil
• 1/3 cup honey
• 1-8 oz. container lemon yogurt

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  Stir together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and grated lemon peel. Mix egg, oil, honey and yogurt together well.  Add this mixture to dry ingredients. Stir until just moistened. Fill greased or paper-lined muffin cups 2/3 full.  Bake for 18 minutes, or until golden brown.  Makes 12 muffins.

Gina's Substitutions: To make these muffins a little more healthy, I subsitute 1/2 of the flour with 1/2 cup of oatmeal.  Also, I use unsweetened applesauce to replace the oil.  You can do this cup for cup in any recipe without sacrificing taste.  In fact, the applesauce makes whatever you are making even more moist.  Also, try using different flavors of  fat-free yogurt.  I've tried this same recipe with blueberry yogurt (even with the lemon zest, it's wonderful!).

Crumb Cake Muffins

• 1-3/4 cups flour (again, you can substitute 1/2 cup of oatmeal for the same amount of flour)
• 2-1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/3 cup butter/margarine
• 1 cup applesauce
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1 egg, beaten like a naughty child

Crumb Topping:

• 1/2 cup brown sugar, packed like a van full of illegal immigrants
• 2 Tbsp. flour
• 2 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 cup walnuts, chopped like Marie Antoinette's head
• 2 Tbsp. butter/margarine, melted like the Wicked Witch of the West

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Lightly spray muffin pan with cooking spray.  In bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt.  Cut butter into flour until crumbly.  Beat together applesauce, milk, and egg.  Mix together umtil dry ingredients become lumpy.  Do not overmix.

Topping: In a small bowl, stir together flour, sugar, cinnamon, and walnuts.  Stir in melted margarine.  Fill each muffin cup 1/3 of the way with batter.  Add a layer of topping.  Repeat with a layer of batter and another spoonful of topping.  Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until tops spring back when lightly touched.

Gina

We're Back on Track

Hey Morbidly Obese Ones!

Mama here.  We got our own domain name (finally!) so we won't be owned by the "Man".  Yeah, Mama and Gina took a few months off, so what's it to ya?  We've got lives, responsibilities, jobs, we gotta eat, too, you know!  And we eat well, I might add.  I'll kick in my new meatball soup recipe that I posted on the food network, maybe it's only in MY recipe folder, I dunno.  If I find it, I'll post it here.

Anyway, on to "meatier" subjects:  What's All the Drama Surrounding Obama?
Look, as the Mom of a beautiful African-American daughter, I obviously got no problem with an African American as president.  I'd a voted for Clare Huxtable if she was running.  She's smart, attractive, educated, sassy, and funny...all qualities I want in a candidate...

Obama, however, reminds me of Herman Munster.  Look, Mama's no gift, mind you, but then again, I ain't runnin' for president.  The religious fervor that surrounds this guy creeps me out.  Even his wife, the lovely Michelle, stated that only her husband could "save America's soul".  Really?  I thought Jesus did that on an individual basis.  I thought Mr and Mrs Obama were active members of some ritzy church in Chicago.  I was wondering if the Pastor there asked Jesus to "step down" so Brother Obama could trade places, so to speak.  I will tell you this, however:  If that EVER were to occur, Jesus would still be on the RIGHT hand of God cuz Obama would NEVER consider any location other than the LEFT, even if it was positioning himself next to the Big Guy.

One last thought:  Should Obama become the 44th president of the United States:  Mama don't wanna hear no more Black folks gripin' 'bout racism and the "white" man puttin' the smack down, cuz, like it or not, African Americans only make up about a fifth of the US population, which, in essence, would mean that WHITE folk elected him!

So there ya have it; at least for now.  Mama will definitely "weigh in" on the candidates as the weeks pass by.  Meanwhile, I think I'll down a cream puff with the Kool-Aid that's being passed around lately.

Love ya, Fatties!
Mama

Back in Action

After a long hiatus, Mama decided to start the FLC up again, and of course, I'm more than happy to join her.  I must tease VW a little about his last post here...that this was our "attempt at being Domestic Goddesses".  I beg to differ.  We are Domestic Goddesses...we just haven't been writing about it.  The reason is that we both have a lot of responsibilities (Mama especially), and when we're in the trenches, we just don't think about the blog.  It doesn't need to be fed, diapered, entertained, or driven to school/friends' houses/the doctor, and therefore gets put on the back burner (right behind the mac n' cheese).

So welcome back, and tune in for a fat good time.

Gina